I was getting frustrated at myself for not moving my business to the next level to get paid clients. I had one client bail on me midway through the program. I was rejected time and time again by potential clients. I guess The Universe was trying to tell me to chill out. I decided then to take a break and focus on self-care.
I mean, I do the basic hygiene care but sometimes I forget to shave my armpits for weeks or trim my toe nails (Sorry, not sorry!). If I am lucky, I get to wash my hair that day and not look like a greasy mess/ monkey.
I am learning to let go of my own expectations that I should be a supermom that needs to have everything in order- a successful business, a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good sister-in-law, a good friend. Phew! What a load of roles we all put on?
Right now, I can only be a good mom, a good wife and a good friend. I don't need to be a successful entrepreneur right this moment. A month ago, I choose to fully immerse myself into the mom role. To be even more present with my son, which means using my phone less whenever I am with him. Damn, it is SO tough!
Sometimes, I just want a mental break from cooking, feeding, cleaning, washing, playing, dealing with tantrums, more feeding, more cleaning, more washing and more bloody tantrums. Taking social media "breaks" a.k.a checking out, takes me to a different place where I can hang out with my tribe. For about 10 minutes. Then, my son is pulling my hand to play with him.
About 6 months ago, I made a decision to choose the roles that really matter to me and stop spreading myself too thin. Caring about everything and everyone. Letting go of being a friend to people that I am hardly in contact with. Letting go of trying to "help" everyone.
I have to admit that I am a serial helper. Whenever I see someone in a difficult situation, I feel compelled to help. I feel good when I help people. Recently I realized that some people don't want your help and that is ok too. I'm letting go of helping people when actually it is more about me wanting to feel good.
Focusing on self-care has been much needed, I took a short trip to Amsterdam in October to hang out with friends from Singapore. I went dancing at a techno music festival, I ate out with my friend Charmaine (Yay! No cooking!), I did some shopping and got a much needed hair cut. I really wanted a break and be the Marisa before the baby!
I was letting go of being there all the time for my son. I am very thankful that my husband looked after my son while I was away (He even cooked for our son! Haha!) It was important for him to realize how much work it is to take care of a child.
The inspiration for this post came from a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F**k". I chanced upon the book at the airport in Amsterdam on my way home to Zurich. It called out to me. I was looking for a book to read on the plane and at that time I was feeling jaded of giving a F about things that don't matter- not having any clients, the no. of likes on my Instagram posts, the no. of followers on my Instagram account.
I thought I had to use Instagram as a form of marketing to get clients. But the more I was on social media, the more I cared about the frivolous things like likes and followers. The truth is I wanted to be with my tribe (like-minded people) but unfortunately they are on social media and not in real life. Not in my village.
I took a break from writing for 2 months and it was important for me to realise that I do enjoy writing and will continue to do so even if my grammer is not great. Even if no one reads it.
Since letting go, I feel more at ease again. The book reminded me that as long as I am doing something, the act of doing something is enough. Another lesson in letting go of expectations.